Not Your Momma's OCD (potentially triggering topics)

Okay okay, so it IS your momma's OCD, but it's not necessarily the type that you automatically think of when you hear the term. I'm admittedly under the weather, so I'm working from home today (jk, I'm a SAHM...I never leave my house). Anyways, I wasn't going to post today because I'm working on a medication piece and have strep throat, but with over 600 views on my post yesterday, I want to keep the momentum going in case anyone reading knows someone who is suffering from the fear of their own thoughts.

First, the steps I took toward beginning a blog were:
1. Create blog with no idea what you're doing, but you just lived through hell on earth and you must help others.
2. Post while still struggling, but eventually stop because you aren't sure if anyone's reading.
3. Completely heal and have another baby.
4. Realize you are still getting contacted regularly by women searching for help even though you haven't touched you blog in a year.
5. Do the blog, and do it ALL the way. (Also, try to learn how to actually do a blog.)

I'm pretty sure blogs are 99% more popular if they have pictures, so here's a picture with me and the boys : )...I wanted to jump out of my skin here and run away in case you were wondering.

So here I am, doing the blog. Now, unless my dad visited this page over 600 times yesterday (hey Pat Suiter, love you!) there's a lot of you who are reading that don't know me personally. I want to tell you a little bit about my background and then get down to the dirty truth of OCD. I'm a regular Midwestern girl from a Christian home. We were always middle class growing up. I went to church weekly and went to private school. At no point in my life was I ever abused in any way (sexually, verbally, physically, etc). I'm not violent, don't have a "hot" temper, and definitely have never hurt anyone or been in a fight. I've always believed in being totally honest, I'm a HORRIBLE liar, and try to never break rules because I'm such a fierce believe in karma. I'm writing this small synopsis of some of my characteristics to illustrate the fact that mental illness can affect ANYONE. Intrusive thoughts or "bad" thoughts happen to everyone.

Now, back to the topic of the hour, OCD. We all hear it everyday, someone likes to have their house clean so they say that have OCD. I WISH that was all it was or could be. There are types of OCD where people have rituals and do need to obsessively clean, and I'm not downplaying their pain. I experienced OCD differently though. My OCD began with anxiety. I was overly anxious about my children's safety. At one point, my brain began to see danger everywhere. When I had my first intrusive thought about smothering Easton, my anxiety shot THROUGH THE ROOF. Now, I don't know any other way to describe it than that I could FEEL the thought. It was that strong. In my mind, I didn't know what that feeling meant. I became scared because I thought that feeling was an urge, meaning I WANTED to hurt Easton. Now I know that it meant the exact opposite, my body had gone into "fight or flight" mode because it misinterpreted the thought as being harmful to Easton, so it raised my anxiety more and more.

Here I am, I had "the thought"...so I should just be able to let it go, right? NOPE. My mind had to find a reason for having such a thought. I had to obsess over the thought. Why did I have it? Am I capable of hurting him? Does this mean I don't love him? Seriously, the horror was unbearable. Once I began to question his safety around me, I started to see danger in almost every object or situation I was in with him. I was so scared to even hold him because he was "safer" when he was away from me. I'm about to get real REAL with you all. I don't like sharing this with people, because honestly it's hard. That is why I need to share it. Women are feverishly Googling symptoms right now because they believe they are going mad from their thoughts. They are scared. I need to write these things down so that they recognize their symptoms and reach out for help. It's a mental illness, its powered by anxiety and fear stemming from the need to PROTECT your children, and its treatable.

Here is a comprehensive list of the items I hated/would avoid if my baby was anywhere near me:

• Knives
• Scissors
• Sharp objects
• Dull objects
• Pillows
• Blankets
• Plastic bags
• Cords
• Rope
• Changing diapers
• Seeing my kids without clothes on
• Baths
• Pools
• Lakes
• Being alone together

I also wouldn't watch the news or any channel other than Hallmark and HGTV. I didn't read articles or books. My list of fears would grow greater by the day because of outside influences or things I heard. I would constantly scour lists of OCD obsessions, but if I happened to have a fear that wasn't on the list I would freak out because maybe THAT fear was actually dangerous and not a symptom of the disease. Maybe THAT fear was legitimate.

By now I know what you're thinking: THAT girl is a mess! Well, I was. I was a scared, depressed, hopeless mess. OCD happened to me. An illness happened to me. I didn't ask for it, I wasn't expecting it, but it came. I also made it through. I'm a better person today than I was 2 years ago. I feel like OCD has given me a mission. I began this blog because I was still struggling and I wanted other women to know they weren't alone, now I've conquered it and have the strength to be the hope to others that I so desperately needed during that time.

Ps, me and Easton are super tight now. I lay in his bed with him every night before bed (blankets and pillows included).

Thanks for reading and please share!

Chels

Getting Help: My Journey

Hey guys, me again! After taking the huge leap of faith by beginning to post again yesterday, I'm really feeling the support! One of the reasons I didn't know if I should keep writing was I didn't know if anyone was reading, but with over 200 people reading my article yesterday, I know you're out there, so I'm just gonna keep typing away! Please, please "follow" me, spread the word, share my story, reach out to your friends or family who might be struggling, leave a comment, message me, do ALL the things. Even if a story doesn't completely mirror mine, there are always relatable aspects.

My original plan for today was to post about my experience with medication, but after thinking about it more, I decided to post about reaching out for help, because that is the first step. Now, unless you are a huge fan of my writing (hey dad) or a supportive personal friend, you are most likely visiting this page because you need help. Good help is hard to come by, especially if you are living in fear. So I'm going to share with you my journey of finding help.

                                    (Family picture taken 1-2 weeks after everything started)

 

My first "intrusive thought" happened when Easton was 3 weeks old. By the time my 6 week postpartum appointment came, I had a lot of anxiety, but was too scared to reveal the specifics. I played off my anxiety to my OB out of fear and said I'd call her if I changed my mind. After another week of hell, I called her back and asked to be put on anti-anxiety meds. I got my prescription filled and crossed my fingers. Unfortunately, the medication I started with made me worse (panic attacks, etc). While on this medicine I was 1 minute away from checking myself into a hospital because of the overwhelming anxiety. I again called my OB in hopes of trying a different medication, at this point I was told I was no longer a patient under their care (since the baby was already born and the 6 week check was over) and I should contact a family practice doctor. HUGE blow.

I decided that I would again try to beat this without medication, but still searched for help. When I took Easton in for his 2 month appointment, I mentioned to our pediatrician that I was having a lot of anxiety and was very worried about safety. Now, let me first say that I LOVE our pediatrician, she has been with us for 6 years and still sees my children to this day. On this day, however, when I said I had anxiety, she said "not about the baby, right?"...instant red flag. Now I felt like I didn't have a doctor to trust AND I couldn't trust my pediatrician.

By this point, I felt alone in the world. I made sure to do extensive research before reaching out to anyone else. I ended up Googling "OCD Specialists MN" and found a therapist who had been through Postpartum OCD. I e-mailed her telling her that I thought I had developed OCD and would like to meet her. The first time I met with her, I could barely speak the most mild version of my fears to her. I barely could blurt out "I thought, what if I put a blanket over his head" before collapsing in tears while clutching my newborn. I thought for sure she was going to call child services. She didn't.

I kept going to therapy weekly, spending the majority of my hour crying while rocking Easton. I would write down all of my fears throughout the week to make sure I didn't forget to tell her any potentially harmful thought. Eventually, it became clear I needed more help. I ended up contacting The Mother Baby Program at HCMC in Minneapolis, MN.

I'll never forget sitting in the office for my first interview with my 2 kids, barely able to speak through my tears and depression, begging for help. By this time, I wouldn't sleep at home alone with my children and I also feared becoming a pedophile. I was given a prescription for a new medication and told I could start the program the next week. Through a tear streaked face, I asked them if they were worried about me. The psychiatrist's response is forever burned into my memory  "you're worried enough about yourself for all of us." I remember telling them that in real life I'm actually super funny, then I packed up my kids and my prescription and headed home.

The Mother Baby Program was a game changer for me. I had intense group and individual therapy and was also able to get stabilized on the proper medications. The only reason I'm sharing this struggle is because I GET how scary finding help can be. It took me a month to even tell my husband about my first "scary thought." I feel like it is important to share my struggle to spread awareness. I was in contact with medical doctors who didn't get it. I was falling through the cracks in plain sight. The fact that my biggest fear was being dangerous to my children was compounded by the fact that IF I told they could potentially be taken away from me, and that was unbearable. I want mothers AND medical professionals to learn more about postpartum mental illness. Mental illness has a stigma. Scary thoughts have a stigma. The problem is, anxiety driven scary thoughts are not dangerous and the person who thinks them are in more pain than you could imagine.

I want to reiterate. I'm NOT a mental health professional. I'm a mom who had scary thoughts and anxiety and got help. One thing that made me so scared was websites that said "if you have a scary thought, get help immediately!" This made me feel like I was abnormal and potentially dangerous. If you have scary thoughts and anxiety, you do need to get help. Not because you are abnormal, but because you don't need to suffer. The anxiety is making you super protective and causing your brain to malfunction.

The point of this post is that if you sense anything is wrong, get help. I recommend contacting a psychiatrist (if you want to take medication) because they truly understand mental illness. Medical doctors are also great since psychiatrists can have a long wait time. A great website for finding help in your state (and for information in general) is Postpartum Progress. In my case, I also just used Google to find people who could help me. I typed in "OCD Specialists MN" and combed through the profiles of thrapists until I felt I had found someone I could trust. Spreading the word and opening up in an honest way is so important to helping people stop living in fear and silence. Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave a question/comment or message me on Facebook (and "like" Delicate Change on fb)!

Chels

Time: A Sufferer's Greatest Enemy

Happy New Year ya'all! SO, I began this blog a couple of years ago when I was in the midst of Postpartum OCD. I've never had a blog and didn't (still don't) know how to have a great one, but my new resolution is to try! I'm starting my blog back up again because I still get lots of messages from women in the midst of the struggle who need someone to relate to and talk to. I'm NOT a professional, I'm just a mom who had a problem and got help when it was HARD.

I have a few topics off the top of my head I'm going to be writing about in the following weeks. These ideas come from the women who message me for advice. I'm going to give my perspective and experience on these topics. Some things I'm going to write about are: time and how long I struggled, medication and why it was the right choice for me, and coming to terms with the "why me" question.

I realize this blog isn't going to be for everyone. I still want to sprinkle in humor, craft projects, and my thoughts on family, but my main goal is to let women know they aren't alone. When I was in the midst of my OCD, I spent HOURS looking for people like me. I messaged old forums, Facebooked strangers, e-mailed professionals, I did WHATEVER it took to find someone who could help me. I want to be that resource for others. Right now I have the privilege of being able to stay at home with my children, I want to be able to spend time with them and begin helping others too. For me, if 1 woman reaches out to me a year because they are desperate for help, it's going to be worth it.

So, if you don't know me personally, quick update. I finished redecorating my old house and immediately decided we should move. I also made this decision at 6 months pregnant with my third baby (weird, my husband says I'm never allowed to be pregnant again). So we have a new baby and a new house and things are GREAT! I've stayed on medication throughout pregnancy and postpartum (Ella is 4 months) and I've also kept my eyes peeled for symptoms. The amazing news is, this is nothing like last time. I've had approximately 4 days of crying before reaching out and have been fine ever since. There IS hope for more babies after postpartum struggles!

Every woman who struggles with postpartum depression (anxiety, OCD, etc) has one overwhelming question: how long will I be like this!? As someone whose thoughts were  coming 24/7, I can say with complete honesty that every second of my day felt like an eternity. I'm not joking. I felt like I was "white-knuckling" my way through life. A thought would pop into my head, I'd have to disagree with it, another one would come, I'd throw up because the thought made me so upset...and on and on. It was so constant that I really questioned myself and my morality. I was convinced that something terrible was happening and the professionals whose care I was in really didn't understand what a mess I was in. This is also when the depression crept in. Once my anxiety had convinced me that I was a danger to my children, I had no joy. I would just hopelessly cry on my couch, waiting for myself to go crazy and ruin everything.

The GOOD news is that if you think you're crazy and FEEL crazy, you aren't! The anxiety is your body's reaction to thinking things that are morally the opposite of who you truly are. Unfortunately, knowing that doesn't make the disease disappear. It just makes it (slightly) easier to trudge through. I "faked" my way through life for months. I played and laughed with my children when I only felt emptiness inside. I cried to my therapist endlessly because I felt guilty that my children trusted me and loved me so whole-heartedly. I didn't deserve their love. Or trust. I was a horrible mother thinking horrible things and I literally could not stop.

So, you ask, how long until this goes away...the bad news is that it totally depends (worst answer in America, I know). I was pretty resistant to treatment, meaning that I was so scared of the thoughts. I had a hard time letting them go because I felt that if I did, something bad would happen. I struggled HARD for about 4 months. Once my son turned 1 I still was having some trouble, but nothing like before. I got pretty upset at the 1 year mark though. I thought, how in the world is this still happening to me!? Why am I still crying about this? The key is to keep doing the things you know are right and don't focus on how much (or how little) progress you are making. Take the medication, practice yoga, talk to your family, ask for help, see a therapist...do ALL the things.

Struggling doesn't make you a bad mom. Getting help makes you a GREAT mom! It doesn't feel like it right now, I get it. Having postpartum depression is the ultimate HARDEST thing I have ever gone through. I feel so strongly about demolishing any stigma associated with it and helping women as much as I can. I'm still on medicine and went to weekly therapy for a year and a half (as well as a 3 week outpatient program). There is hope, my favorite quote about OCD was written by a woman named Lauren Hale on the Postpartum Progress website. She basically said that it is so hard trudging through OCD, you feel like you're stuck in the mud. But she promised there was a nice warm bed at the end of the road, I held on to that promise throughout my struggles. There IS a warm bed, free of depression, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts at the end of the road, don't give up!

Chels

Almost a Year Later and So Much Change!

Here we are, it's June again! At this time last year I was begging for my water to break and my sweet baby to come. By late July I was in the midst of PPOCD and scared, not knowing where to turn. By October I was past the worst of it, but still had a long road of recovery. Christmas came and I felt mostly normal, but not quite there. As summer begins, I can say with confidence that I believe my OCD "episodes" will now be few and far between. I don't want to brush my OCD under the rug and act like it doesn't ever bother me anymore, but for the most part it doesn't. Just a couple of weeks ago when the Josh Duggar sex scandal occurred my anxiety went through the roof! One of my biggest fears had come true in a family that I trusted! I know it sounds so dumb, but when my worries come to pass in other people's lives, I fear them again in my own. I'm now fearless again and feeling great. I thought this would be the perfect time to look back on my year of crafts and OCD and show everyone exactly what we have accomplished this year in our kitchen/dining room.
                                                                             
This is what our kitchen looked like when we bought the house. This is where my vision to redecorate and heal through crafts began. I felt like our kitchen was too dark and I really wanted to change it. So I bought a kitchen table off of Craigslist for $50 and began to paint. During this time my thoughts were dark and constantly racing. It was when my mother-in-law was in town watching the boys that I was working on the chairs and noticed that for a moment, I was thinking about something other than the kids. My first moments of relief during my struggle with OCD happened while working on this table. After I finished the table, we just kept updating our kitchen! We got our beautiful chandelier, painted our red wall tan, I stenciled another wall in our kitchen (which took watching the entire Parenthood series because of my racing thoughts), my husband put in laminate flooring, I painted the cabinets, we got new countertops, my husband installed our backsplash, and I redid our bronze bar stools! I cannot even believe the difference between the pictures taken from when we first bought our house until now, it is like a completely new space!

                                                        Dining Room Before                                                            

                                                              Dining Room After

                              Kitchen Before

                              Kitchen After




                       Refinished stools and underneath of counter painted same as kitchen table. 

 

This is my stenciled wall-one of the most time consuming, but fulfilling things I did during this project.

 

 I hope you all enjoy these pictures, seeing it in person is even more amazing. I really feel like this transformation really embodies how I transformed during this time. I started out scared to death. My heart and thoughts were always racing, I honestly never knew how I would make it through each day. This kitchen remodel gave me a way to redirect my attention toward positive and constructive things. I know that I need to blog more regularly, but I just want to show everyone all of the things I work on when I don't blog (on top of parenting)! Thank you all so much for reading!



Chels

Reclaiming Mother's Day

Mother's Day 1995 will forever be engrained in my memory. I can't tell you specific dates or times, but I can tell you the events that were happening in the week surrounding Mother's Day. My mom died Friday, May 12, and Mother's Day was that Sunday. The next week, my dad took me to school to pick up the Mother's Day book I had made with my class, but it would never be seen by my mom. I will never forget picking up that book. I will never forget that my dad was very sick at the time and threw up in a garbage can at the school. I will never forget that our great uncle took us to the Mall of America the day my mom died.  I will never forget looking out the window in the guest room in our house and crying only once because my dad told me "she is in a better place now"...some things are as vivid in my memory as if it was yesterday.

Since that Mother's Day, I have not necessarily enjoyed the holiday. Since having kids, I have been able to celebrate it, but still feel the sting of the loss of my mom. I'm pretty sure I spent half of last Mother's Day in my room crying because my mom wasn't there. I miss her and I can truly say that time does not heal all wounds. As I've grown older I almost feel like I mourn the loss of her more because of all of the big life events she has missed like my wedding and the birth of my children. I love to hear stories about her or have family members tell me how much I'm like her, but that still doesn't replace the huge hole that I feel by her absence.

As if I didn't already have problems loving Mother's Day, just two weeks ago I sat in my therapist's office crying because I was dreading that it was coming up. My Postpartum OCD had caused me to not even want to celebrate this year. In my mind, I hadn't earned it yet. Until the boys are grown up and I have "successfully completed" my job, I didn't deserve to be celebrated. In my mind I thought "what if something happens to them and I can't protect them?" or "what if I hurt them?" The idea of celebrating my accomplishment of motherhood before the job was complete made me feel like I shouldn't be celebrated.

Today I feel differently. Today I am able to see my hard work and recognize that I deserve to be celebrated for my accomplishments. I have, quite literally, spent the past year obsessing about every aspect of my children's lives. I'm so uptight about their safety that sometimes I want to tell myself to take a shot in the middle of the day and relax a little (kidding). So this year I will be different. This year I want to recognize my mom's memory without being consumed with sadness. I want to celebrate myself without judgment. Most of all, I want to enjoy the children that God has blessed me with instead of over-analyzing every move they make. I'm reclaiming my Mother's Day because I've EARNED it and I hope that anyone else who doesn't always look forward to that day will do the same for themselves! We deserve it!

Thanks for reading!



Chels

An Uninvited Guest

Hello All! Thank you so much for reading about my journey. I must say, I DO have a couple of projects up my sleeve that I will be sharing with you in the next couple of weeks (a buffet, two chairs, and a wall piece), but before I finish those, I will explain my absence. We actually have been very busy the past month with visits to and from family as well as a Vegas vacation, but I've also been dealing with my OCD which isn't always easy.

I've decided to think of my OCD as an uninvited guest that comes to my door every day. There are days when I shut the door to it and say "I won't let you ruin my day" but there are also times where it overwhelms me. My therapist told me that I am afraid to let go of the thoughts because if I do, in my mind, I'm not a good mother. In other words, if my mind isn't constantly finding and avoiding danger through "what if" thoughts, I don't think I'm doing my job. The part about this that sucks is that the "what if" thoughts cause me immense anxiety and saddness.

In outpatient, they always talked about the "arc of recovery" not being a straight line up, but rather a lot of "bad days" at the beginning, then slowly more good days than bad. I have my fair share of good days, or good parts of days, but I still find myself being sucked back into the OCD way of thinking. It is almost like when this all started 9 months ago I was so traumatized and mortified of the things I was thinking that a switch clicked in my mind which caused me to take my worrying and thoughts up to a new (higher) level that I could have never imagined before. Sometimes I feel as if a part of me will forever be wounded from this experience.

I can recall each scary thought I've had (and where I had it) over the past nine months (almost impressive, right?) Each day I know the difference between a recurring thought and a new one (the new ones give me more anxiety). Sometimes my thoughts make me cry, other times I get mad or annoyed at them. It is truly so difficult to explain what is going on in my head, but I'm trying. I'm trying because (I've been told) I'm not the only one. I'm trying because I've lost any sense of shame I had months ago. I'm trying because this is me and I'm trying to put my brain back together.

So here I am, doing okay. I have an annoying habit of trying to speed through my recovery because "I shouldn't be like this anymore." I truly feel that since I know how it originated and why it is happening that that should make it go away, but it doesn't. Knowing everything and even knowing I'm not the only one doesn't make it easier. It.Is.Hell. I would use other words or adjectives to describe it, but that one word sums it up well. I make it through every day wondering "will this be gone tomorrow?" Hasn't happened yet, but there's always a chance. : )

Thanks for reading!



Chels

The Big Reveal!

 It's FINALLY finished! As many of you know, half of the reason I started this blog was to share my crafts with everyone...well, my first big blog project is finally finished! I love, love, LOVE how they turned out! I used a Rust-Oleum cabinet kit to do this project. I started out using the "Linen" colored kit, but after the two coats that it calls for, my cabinets were not completely covered and they were too white. I took my cabinet into the Home Depot that I brought the kit from, and they kindly gave me a new free kit in "Quilter's White". The kit was free because the color on the swatch looked nothing like the color that my cabinets turned out. After applying two more coats, my cabinets were finally the right color...one coat of topcoat and they were perfect! I HIGHLY recommend a Rust-Oleum restoration kit if you are going to redo your cabinets, BUT be careful...if you choose to do them a light color you may need to buy two kits (they do not sell separate cans of the paint).

 

To do my cabinets I had to:

1. Remove all doors and hardware. Make SURE to number your doors....also don't forget that they are numbered if you start moving them around (I kept forgetting my number stickers everywhere, made for an interesting install!)
2. Clean all doors and cabinets with lint-free towel.
3. Scrub cabinets and doors with deglosser (you do this instead of sanding...however I did end up sanding a little).
4. Wash cabinets down again with lint free towel and water.
5. Apply bond coat (paint). They say you should only need two, I needed 4.
6. Apply topcoat.
7. Let dry 24 hours then rehang doors and enjoy!

 

 I really love how this project turned out, however it was VERY time consuming! If you have a lot of patience (and extra time) it is a really cheap way to redo your kitchen! I'm looking forward to getting our new counters and backsplash in, then our little kitchen remodel will be complete!

Thanks for reading!



Chels