Canvas: My Favorite Way to Decorate

Monday marks the 1 month anniversary of the blog's re-launch and I couldn't be more excited! With the help of my friend, Lauren, we've been able to reach over 10,000 views this month! Now that I've told everyone who will read my deepest and darkest secrets, I figured I would share some of my decorating style with ya'all! So, here's a little bit about my style and my taste...

I LOVE canvas pictures and artwork! It's everywhere in my home! I have a floral canvas picture in my entryway, as shown below. I love how it pulls together the side table below it. I've picked out a picture of each of our children to place in a frame. I've also put 3 flowers, 1 for each child in my painted bottle or "vase." I also included the "&" to show that they are all connected. Every time I come into my home, I'm reminded of the people who live with me that fill our house with love.

Canvas pictures of my children are hanging in my playroom, which is the room directly off of my entryway. In my playroom, I used one of my favorite methods of hanging canvas pictures, which is attaching thick twine to each canvas (either by hot glue or small tack) and hanging it off of decorative knobs. My favorite knobs are sold at Hobby Lobby, either at store or online (always buy when they're 50% off or use a 40% off coupon). I love how this room combines all of my children as well as fun colors and an "arrow" theme (I will be sharing more of this room next week).

I also have canvas pictures hanging in my living room. Above the fireplace I have a flowered  canvas painting. I love the way that the paint on the canvas has texture and depth. Next to my stairwell I have a canvas collage of my wedding pictures that my husband made. Above it I've put a beautiful ornate wooden piece. I love mixing canvas pieces with decorative accents.

There are a couple of different ways to make sure that canvas pictures stay straight. At a local craft store, it was recommended that I use Scotch rubber pads (like you use on cabinets) to keep my canvas pictures straight. I used them on some, but was not completely happy with the results (the pictures get crooked often). I would recommend using adhesive putty to keep canvas pictures straight.

I hope this gives everyone some ideas about different ways to use canvas on their walls or at least gives some insight into the personal style of the girl who you've been reading about!

Thanks for reading! "Like" and "Share"

Chels

Extreme Mommy Guilt

Mommy guilt, we ALL have it. Whether we feel bad about not breast feeding, being too distracted during play time, working too much, not reading them enough books before bed, not making heart shaped sandwiches etc, there is always something to feel bad about. Parenting is hard. Being "on-call" 24/7 is very draining. That compiled with the fact that everyone on social media constantly looks beyond happy and put together (ugh) there is always someone who appears to be doing "it" better. Now, I want you to imagine the "regular" mommy guilt combined with the "OCD/depressed/anxious" mommy guilt. One word: OVERWHELMING.

When I first developed OCD, I was very resistant to accepting the fact that these horrible thoughts were not mine, but instead anxious thoughts. Excuse me! They're in MY brain! I obviously WANT to be thinking them. False. This lesson took me a looong time to learn. Countless therapists would assure and reassure me that even though my brain was thinking horrible things, these thoughts were not the true "me." Remember this, please remember this...anxiety makes you worry and think irrationally. OCD puts those awful thoughts/fears on repeat. OCD thoughts come against your will. I could not control my mind. It never quit. It was like I was running full speed on a treadmill that I could not get off of. It was exhausting. It was all consuming. When I say it was hell, I'm not lying.

For a long time, I felt like I needed to remember each thought so that I could torture myself with guilt over it. If I was going to think horrible things, I was going to make myself pay the price for it. This was a huge mistake. During my OCD I promised myself I would never forgive myself for the horrible things I had thought. I didn't deserve forgiveness. I thought saying the phrase "those aren't my thoughts, but are anxious thoughts" seemed like a cop-out. I wasn't going to blame an illness for my thoughts, I'm an adult and I needed to take responsibility for what was going on in my mind. This, my friends, was flawed thinking.

It took me getting out of the "fog" of OCD to realize those thoughts were not mine. Once I began taking medicine and my thinking slowed down, the thoughts did too. Suddenly, I was only thinking things I WANTED to think, and surprisingly (or not surprisingly) none of those thoughts included hurting anyone. That is when I realized that I needed to forgive myself.

You see, people with OCD/anxiety are very sensitive to bad thoughts. They believe in "right" and "wrong" and when they have thoughts/obsessions that go against their beliefs, they are shaken to the core. The very fact that 1 bad thought spiraled me into the depths of despair proves that I have morals. I love hard and I take failure very personally. I was willing to risk my own mental health to protect my kids, the problem was, that wasn't necessary. I did not need to forfeit my sanity to keep my children safe. What I needed was expert care and medication to help me understand my disease and get well.

So, you may wonder, what happened to my guilt? I finally took the advice of the professionals in my life and practiced self-care. In the depths of OCD, I didn't think I deserved to care for myself because I was an awful person. I thought: why does everyone keep worrying about how much sleep I'M getting when there is an obvious crisis going on. I couldn't worry about me because I was completely invested in worrying about my kids 100% of the time. I have now realized that if I don't care for myself, I'm doing my children a huge disservice. For me, self-care meant cutting myself a break. Holding onto all of the guilt and shame over the thoughts was ruining me and ruining my relationships with my children. I would have never been able to recover if I had not decided to forgive myself and let those thoughts go. It was a process. It took time, but now I understand the disease and I know that pushing forward instead of dwelling on "bad thoughts" is something that is so important toward maintaining my mental health.

When I see how much my children love each other, I know I'm doing it right.

All moms, not just ones with OCD/anxiety/depression need to learn to cut themselves a break. We work hard. Parenting is emotionally, physically,  and financially draining. It takes everything I have every day to keep my family going and I still fall short. I still lose my temper or cut bath time short. I still skip a story or don't cuddle as long as they'd like. I'm constantly trying to juggle meeting all of my children's needs while still trying to keep myself and my husband happy. Right now my dishes are dirty and I'm pretty sure the amount of food spilled on the floor during dinner could feed a small country. I don't know the secret to good parenting. I put everything I have into these little people and still find myself constantly apologizing for things that they do. I'm not the perfect mom, but my squad knows they're beyond loved and I will put everything I have into raising these amazing children I've been given.

Love yourselves, mamas!

Ps, I got as far as making a YouTube channel with my name on it before I decided I was too tired to put on make-up and turn on my camera...there's always next week!

Chels

When Having Another Baby Takes a (GIANT) Leap of Faith

Hey guys! I'm pretty excited about this week because I have a lot to say and I also have some awesome projects going on that I can't wait to show everyone! Today, I want to talk about something that I know every mom who has had a bad postpartum experience worries about: having more children. I think if you've read my posts thus far, you can see how hard I struggled. There was a point where I sold every baby item I owned and swore up and down I would NEVER have another baby. I had seen the dark side of postpartum mental illness and I was NOT about to risk going through that again! Then, you know what happened? I healed.

You may be wondering, what does healing look like? I'm glad you asked! I knew I was healing when...I was able to complain about my children again. I know, so weird, but very true. When I was in the middle of OCD, I never spoke to my children in any sort of raised voice. I was very careful to always control my emotions around them (to ensure I didn't "snap"). I wouldn't say anything bad about them because in my mind, we were so lucky to have made it through another day! Part of my (and many other mom's) OCD was feeling like I couldn't complain about my children, because to me that meant I didn't love them and wished they were gone.

Now, please don't be upset. I don't sit around complaining about my children all the time. I obviously love them, I spent an entire year completely obsessed with them, but sometimes mama's gotta vent! I share my everyday frustrations, but keep my attitude about it light. Waking up to my son quizzing me about Pokémon while the 2 year old is ripping off his diaper and the baby just spit up in my hair is just a Monday for me. I post about it on Facebook and I'm not looking for anything other than another mom to say "been there" and just like that, I'll go and make breakfast that no one likes.

It is so weird, but when I realized I was okay having normal emotions and frustrations again, I also began to long for a third baby. The thought of going through OCD again scared the crap out of me, but I'd always wanted 3 children. Recovering meant me being able to have the strength to try again. Getting better was a journey, I was constantly trying to "rush through" it. I wanted to be better ASAP, but that's not how it worked. It took time, but once I regained my strength and personality, the need to "complete" my family came back.

I know some of you are in the trenches right now thinking "HELLL, NO!" I get that. I just want to show that the option is out there and it's the choice we made. Now, having another baby wasn't just a walk in the park. I had to put precautions in place. I changed medications to make sure I was taking ones that would be safe during pregnancy and throughout breastfeeding. I also kept up with my weekly therapy appointments (which at some point changed to a "need to go" basis). My friends and family also knew to keep their eyes peeled in case anything went wrong.

Since this is a safe space, I'll also share the fact that it kind of sucked going through a pregnancy after such a traumatic prior experience. For a solid year and a half, I felt like everyone in my life was handling me with "kid gloves." I felt like I had to ask for permission to have another baby and people weren't sure that I would be able to handle it. That was hard. That sucked. I felt like my friends weren't as excited when I got pregnant this time because they were scared for me. I literally had to tell them they couldn't share their worries about it with me. I needed them to support me and have faith in  my ability to take control of my mental health if needed.

Ella at Christmas

Well, we all rallied and Ella arrived! She is my miracle. I'm completely speechless over her. Her sweetness is amazing. She has 1 dimple, porcelain skin, and dazzling blue eyes. She fits so perfectly into our family. She was meant to be ours. She completes us. More than that, she has healed me. From the moment I got pregnant, the last remnant I had of OCD was gone. I've been able to cuddle her from the beginning. Everything has honestly gone far better than I could have ever imagined. (I'm not trying to ramble right now, but there's tears rolling down my face at how grateful I am for her.)

Statistically, I was more likely to struggle again postpartum so I definitely kept my eyes peeled, it just never happened. I had high anxiety for about 4 days (not OCD) and I made the appropriate calls right away to get it taken care of. When postpartum anxiety happened to me the first time, I was completely uneducated about it and had no idea what to do. This time I had tons of resources to lean on in case I needed it.

I'm amazingly blessed, but I want to make one more thing clear: I've healed, but I still think weird shit sometimes. I know, *gasp*! So, healing doesn't mean you will never have another bad thought, it means you can file it into the "STFU" department of your brain and let it go. (I'm not trying to use offensive language, but honestly, I got to a point with OCD where I had to get mad at it. Getting mad and making it "back off" was the only way I could conquer it.)

I hope this has given women hope that more babies after postpartum OCD, anxiety, and depression IS possible. It takes work, but by this point you're used to fighting for what's important to you!

Thanks for reading! "Like" and "Share"

Chels

Take a Chance, Tell a Friend

Hey everyone! So, I'm writing this on Saturday because honestly, this week got away from me! I have mad respect for actual single moms, because I'm lucky enough not to have to work AND parent by myself. Taking care of my 3 minis alone during the week can be draining, but I try to remind myself to enjoy our time together and to "let them be little."

I'm starting to think about redesigning "the blog" to show a little more of my personality/organize my topics. Also, my biggest fans (hey neighbor girls) really think I should look into "vlogging" a little so people who don't know me can hear the voice behind the words. I'm going to try to work on both of those things! In the meantime, I have some super cute crafts that I'm going to start sharing, so keep your eyes peeled!

Now, down to business! Today I want to talk about reaching out to friends and family. When my OCD/anxiety began, I was too embarrassed to even tell my closest friends that I was seeing a therapist, much less WHY. Everyone could tell something was wrong with me, but I tip-toed around what was actually going on because I didn't want to seem "crazy" or "dangerous." I would sit with my friends with a hopeless look on my face, literally seeing no way out of the "hole" I had dug myself into. They couldn't understand what was going on though.

At some point, I decided that it was impossible to hold in what was bothering me. I decided that I was  going to take a chance and risk looking "bad" to the people who were closest to me because I honestly felt like the anxiety and guilt were too much for me to bear alone. Opening up and telling people what was wrong was hard. Very hard. At times it would feel SO GOOD to get something off my chest, but then I would go home and have anxiety for hours worrying about what they were thinking about what I had said. Luckily, I've been blessed with amazing friends. You know what happened when I started telling my friends about my struggles? They supported me. They reassured me that I was going to be okay. They promised me the boys were safe. They didn't understand WHY I needed this reassurance, but they knew that in my mind it was a big deal.

After I started slowly opening up to the people closest to me, I began to realize I wasn't alone. I had so much support from the people in my life. They got used to my fears, and "knew the drill" as far as reassuring me went. My friends have talked to me on the phone for hours, listened to me cry on their couches daily, slept in my BED with me, all because they knew how important it was to help me out when I needed it most.

Some of the girls I leaned on then (and now!)

I'm super close to about 12 girls in life, since going through OCD, my friendships have only been strengthened. Going through hard times is the worst, but looking next to you and seeing the people who held you up during the struggle is everything. OCD was awful, but I know each and every person who was with me during that time have become lifelong friends.

I developed OCD about 2 years into living at our first house. I was close with the neighbor girls, but the bond we developed that year has made our relationship unbreakable to this day. I asked my old next door neighbor, Bridget, to write a little bit about my struggle from her point of view. I thought it might be interesting for anyone struggling to see how an outsider saw me struggle.

Some of our old neighbors, Bridget in the middle.

This is what Bridget had to say:

"Watching Chelsea struggle the first few weeks after delivering her second son was hard. Watching her continue to battle herself was confusing, scary, and left me and her other friends feeling helpless. The only thing I could do was continue to reassure her that she wasn’t going to hurt her children, she wasn’t going to go through things alone, and continue to encourage her to ask for help. Did I know what that looked like? No. Did I know where that help was? No. But I knew she needed it.

Almost daily I watched Chelsea haul her two sweet kiddos through my front yard to my front door, all the while tears streaming down her face. She would ask “am I crazy?” My obvious answer was “NO!” Her come back? “Then why am I having these thoughts?” “Why won’t they go away?” “Will I ever be normal again?”

As I watched Chelsea struggle through her journey with postpartum OCD and anxiety, I saw an amazingly strong woman, mother and wife walk through each day like a zombie just trying to make it from one day to the next. I watched a once independent, do-it-yourself mama try to convince herself that she was ok.

As she started her journey through therapy, it wasn’t an overnight fix- it was a LONG journey. She was very distant from her babies. She didn’t want to hold her months-old son in fear that she was going to hurt him. She would walk in the door, I would prepare supper for us and our children and she would proceed to tell me her “thought of the day”. Sometimes it would be a new thought/scenario and some days it would be a repeat of one she had had before. She would continue to ask me if she would really act on those thoughts, desperate for reassurance that they were only thoughts, not something she would ever actually do! She would reassure ME (I think she was actually reassuring herself) that she was doing EVERYTHING she could think of to avoid the negative/intrusive thoughts: pray, read the Bible, avoided ANY sort of violent shows on TV, watched sermons on YouTube…the list goes on.

Now, two years later, I see a mother of THREE beautiful children. A mother that has matured in so many ways and a woman that desires so much to befriend ANYONE who is out there who needs a listening ear. Someone who understands what other mamas are going through. And someone that will support them through the “crazy” thoughts and feelings and help them get the help that they DESERVE!

Postpartum OCD and anxiety is no joke. From the outside looking in, it’s hard to relate to someone going through it if you’ve never dealt with it yourself. But, watching someone you love go through it, and not knowing how to help is painful. As a mother myself, I remember going through a bit of the “baby blues” after my first son was born. It was awful! Looking back at how exhausted I was, how “not myself” I felt. It was something I didn’t even realize was really happening- but reflecting on now, I wish I would have known so much more about it. Never did I realize that I would be walking next to someone dealing with SO MUCH more than I had ever thought was “real-life”.

Chelsea fought through all of this and has come out on the other side so much wiser and someone we can all learn from and lean on in these deep, dark times of need. ANYONE who is struggling or knows someone who is: PLEASE reach out for help. You are NOT alone. There is help. There is HOPE! I’m thankful for Chelsea and the light that she has been to so many already. I am so proud of the steps that she has taken and the energy that she is pouring in to all of us mamas to help us all know that we’re not alone: that there IS someone who will listen to you."


As I read what Bridget wrote the other night, I got tears in my mug of wine. These days I barely ever think about what I was like then. I remember everything, but I'm not stuck in that place anymore. Remembering what it was like and how hard I struggled is tough, but I'm sharing this with all of you to prove a point. Postpartum OCD, anxiety, and depression is hard. It's so important to tell the people around you that love you what is going on. They'll probably surprise you. Instead of thinking your awful or crazy, they'll offer you a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

My point today is that if you are struggling with anything, let someone know. If you can't find the words, show them my blog. Share my story. Share Lauren's story. Let your friends and family be there for you.

As always, I hope this is helpful for someone out there!

Chels

Parenting Through Pain

Happy Hump Day ya'all! We're halfway through the week and you know what that means!...it means nothing, we're parents...we always work. 😉 Today I thought I would share some of my parenting advice with you. Parenting is HARD. At times it can feel like people are lining up to tell you you're doing it wrong. Well, guess what, they don't make the rules so please ignore anyone who is trying to get you down. There is no "right" way to parent. As long as your children are getting their basic needs met (food, clothing, shelter, love) the rest is just personal preference. These are some "parenting cliff notes" that I've picked up over the years. I've parented while running scared. I've worried about people judging how I parent. I'm just here to share a little bit of my style and my point of view. We're going to do some bullet points today, because bullet points rock. Here we go!

                       (These people eat dinosaur shaped chicken, I'm pretty sure it's organic).      

• Breastfeed...or don't! My oldest literally never nursed and guess what, he's awesome (and much better at Legos than me). My middle son nursed exclusively for 6 months and he is also awesome. I nursed my youngest for about 2 weeks, then I was just kind of done. It was making me feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic so I quit. She's also doing amazing and I absolutely refuse to let anyone make me feel bad about my choices. Whatever you choose, own it.
• Leave your kids in pajamas all day if you want. My current plan with my 4 month old is to have her in pajamas as much as possible (and only ones with zippers, why do button up ones even exist!?) The reason is...I have 3 other people including myself to get out the door in the morning, if just one of us can get a pass by wearing pajamas all day, I'm all for it! (And when Ella wants to dress up, she wears a headband with her pajamas).
• Let your house be messy (my husband is rolling on the floor laughing right now, that's never been my strong suit.) But seriously, it it's between taking care of yourself and your children or doing the dishes, always choose you and them.
• "Having the laundry done" can be defined as "having clean clothes in a pile."
• Pack your schedule as much or as little as you are comfortable with. Supposed to go to a birthday party, but you haven't slept in days? Please don't feel guilty saying "no" sometimes. I'm canceling plans as we speak because we have to head to the doctor instead of Bible study. 
• Cry in public. (Not that you'll want to, but I've done this many times so I just want everyone to know it's totally okay to not always appear to "have it all together.")
• Let your kids eat microwavable food. Sometimes my 2 year old tries to eat frozen corndogs for breakfast (I don't think his taste buds work). I GET that there are healthier options and I always supply fruit and vegetables with each meal. Sometimes though, you just need a 60 second meal made of questionable meats.
• If your kids want you to sleep with them, give in. As a mom who has been through absolute hell mentally, I am forever grateful that I was able to keep my relationships with my kids solid. When they call for me, I come. I want them to need me. I know unintentional co-sleeping isn't for everyone, but I've been in a position where I never thought I'd be able to do it again. I cherish being able to be with them, even if it means getting kicked in the face.
• Compliment your children endlessly. I'm pretty sure Dr. Phil said it takes 1000 "atta boys" to make up for 1 negative comment. I make sure to constantly tell my children how smart, sweet, loving, beautiful, etc. they are. Everyday I tell me 6 year old how proud I am of him, and his face absolutely lights up every time. I also apologize to them when I'm wrong or I lose my temper. I'm trying to raise strong, confident people, so I focus on building up their self-esteem and self-worth as much as I can.
• Lastly and MOST importantly, trust YOUR instincts. Parenting is hard. Parenting while fighting a postpartum mental illness is darn near impossible. At the end of the day, you gotta do what you feel is right for your family and your children.

Again, this is a little insight into my parenting style, it isn't for everyone. If nothing else, I'm just trying to point out that I'm obviously not a perfect parent, but I try my best every day. When you're in the trenches fighting for your sanity, sometimes you just gotta do your best even though it isn't how you imagined it would be.

Ps, I also recommend eating candy while locked in the pantry/closet and drinking wine out of coffee mugs.

Thanks for reading!

Chels

Stolen Time

If you're a mom who has ever experienced any type of postpartum OCD, anxiety, or depression, and you're anything like me, you may feel like you've been "robbed." I get that. I get that so much! You have been robbed of happiness, of freedom, of the time to bond following your child's birth. And that isn't fair.

I was able to have that storybook love you always hear about with my first son, Brayden. I went from being a scared 21 year old with a surprise pregnancy, to a mommy who was completely overwhelmed with love. When I had Brayden, I felt my world stop and my heart explode. Nothing that had happened before him mattered, he was now my life.

When we decided to get pregnant with Easton, I was a little nervous about being able to love both equally, but I was also sure I would adjust to being a mom of 2 easily. Once the anxiety/OCD kicked in though, I was terrified to even be near Easton. I could not relax around him. My anxiety was working overtime against my instincts. My instinct was to cuddle and kiss Easton, but my anxiety made me want to keep my distance to "protect" him. The pain of not having that "overwhelming" feeling of love with him was unbearable. Would we ever recover from this? Would he resent me for struggling so much? Was I capable of not being fearful around him?

I obviously love all of my children equally, but my journey with each of them has been different. With Brayden, it was natural and easy, like a fairytale. With Easton, I had to work. NOT work to love him, but work to make my mind stop sabotaging our relationship. Building an unbreakable bond with Easton took a lot of conscious effort. Being near him made me scared, so you know what I did? I wore him. I wore that baby in my Baby K'tan for MONTHS. I refused to let my anxiety dictate whether or not my child developed a secure attachment with me. I also breastfed him. For 6 months, he nursed exclusively. I decided that I would not allow my anxiety to stand in the way of our relationship. My approach isn't for everyone, but that's what worked for me. (Ps, I didn't breastfeed Brayden or Ella, so I totally believe whatever works for you and your family is what is best).

My experience with mental illness included a lot of "fake it til you make it" moments. I went through the motions, I did what I was "supposed" to do. Inside though, my mind was either racing (at the beginning) or completely numb. I chose to push through. I chose to seek help for myself and for my children. Yes, they saw me cry, I'm human. They experienced a mommy who was doing her best, even when her best was laying on the floor in tears. But you know what else, they saw a mom with strength. They saw someone who overcame obstacles and learned from them.

OCD did steal about a year of my life, and that sucks. BUT it wasn't for nothing. I've learned so much walking through that hell. I appreciate my children more. I understand how lucky I am to simply be able to lay with them at night and laugh with them. I'm eternally grateful for each moment I get to spend with them.

                              (This picture sums up my children's love for each other and makes me know we are more than "okay.")

So, are you wondering how this affected Easton? It didn't. I lived in so much fear about how this was ruining our relationship. It stung for a couple months when he was about 1 and seemed to be a "daddy's boy." Was that my fault? Did he love my husband more because I failed to bond with him? Nope. He was just being a silly toddler. Easton comes to me countless times a day to suck his thumb and sit on my lap. He is constantly asking me to cuddle with him on the "chouch." He jumps for joy any time I show up after being away from him for an hour or two. Our relationship has been fully restored. You know what else? I don't hold resentment for that "lost time." No, my postpartum experience with Easton was not what I wanted or expected, but we have come out on the other side stronger.

Healing includes letting go of the past. Please, try to hold on to the lessons, but let go of the pain. I know it's hard. I wouldn't wish postpartum OCD on my worst enemy, but I'm also determined to take my lessons from it and use it to make our lives better going forward. When Ella came along and I wasn't anxious, I can honestly say that I was able to appreciate our time together more. I still lay with her for hours "just because I can." It's like, if you've ever had a really sore throat. All you do is long for it to stop hurting, which makes you realize how much you take a throat that doesn't hurt for granted. I have learned not to take my time with my children for granted.

My advice to any mom currently going through any postpartum difficulties is to not be discouraged. I get the disappointment. I understand the need to mourn the loss of that precious time together, but I PROMISE your relationship will be restored. Your baby loves you. Your overwhelming love for your baby is what is making this experience so hard. So please, just keep going, even when it seems impossible.

Thank you everyone for reading!

Chels

Who ya gonna call???

GHOSTBUSTERS! Just kidding, don't call them, they won't take your insurance. So, the blog has been up and running for about a week and a half and the reception has been AMAZING! I want to thank Lauren for taking the plunge with me and sharing the hardest time in her life with thousands of our closest friends. Lauren and I have "known" each other for 2 years now because of OCD and we are both dedicated to helping spread awareness and help other women get healthy again.

Since this is a safe space, I want to share with you all a little bit about my week. I got a "bee in my bonnet" because I read another postpartum depression article from a very popular "mommy blog" in which the writer specifically pointed out she didn't have "harming" thoughts, but some women do. She then urged women with those thoughts to quickly bring their children to a safe place and go to a hospital to get help. Umm, the "fear" approach is not helpful. Since I feel very "mama bear" over women who are scared to get help, let me explain my issue with this.

Women who have thoughts about harming their children that are fueled by anxiety develop OCD. Their brain (body) is having an extreme reaction to a thought that they feel threatened by. All people have scary/inappropriate thoughts (yes, I'm implying that people who point out they've never had a "harming" thought probably have, they were just able to dismiss it because they realized the thought was not a true threat.) Women with OCD are very scared by their thoughts and DO NOT hurt their children. I've done much research on this, though you can never say never, the chance of an OCD mom hurting her children is pretty much 0. (Anxious girls, don't let yourself think you could be the "exception" to that rule. You aren't.)

"But some women DO hurt their children." ...Turn off the news, mamas! There are rare (and highly publicized) incidents where mothers do hurt their children. These are examples of postpartum psychosis. These women are experiencing something other than reality and do need help, just like the rest of us. Women who hurt their children during psychosis do not realize their thoughts are bad, therefore the thought won't give them anxiety. (If right now you're worried about if the "bad" thought gives you anxiety, it does. You're reading this blog because you're worrying about it.)

I hope you can all now see my issue. A mom who has anxiety that is told to "put the kids in a safe place and run to the hospital" will probably close off more and never tell a soul. That's why I'm here, I'm going to point you in the right direction! Girls, I'm NOT saying you don't need to reach out for help, you most certainly do. You don't need to do it in FEAR though. Please, please don't be scared. I get it. I've been there. You don't need help because you're dangerous, you need help because you DESERVE to be well and your child(ren) deserve a mommy who is healthy!

                                                  The boy who changed it all, Easton, 2.5 years old : )

Why is this SO important to me? Because last night I slept in my 2 year old's bed and woke up with my face in his hands. Two years ago I could not even be in the same room with him without fearing him. Being with him now soothes me. Seeing his sweetness is healing. I was convinced I would never be better. I didn't know how, but I was sure this would kill me. It didn't. I clawed my way out of the pit. I fought for me. I fought for us. I'm going to help you fight too!

So, I've spent the week doing research, dialing digits, and taking names. If you are in Minnesota, you can call the Pregnancy and Postpartum Support Minnesota helpline number at  612-787-7776 or email at ppsmhelpline@gmail.com. To get in contact with the Mother Baby program at HCMC that I went to, you can call 612-873-MAMA (6262). You can also call to speak with a Mother-Baby staff member for support or other resources, this is the Mother-Baby HopeLine at 612-873-HOPE (4673). I also want to add, my insurance did completely cover the Mother Baby Program (though I would have paid any amount out of pocket by that point).

Postpartum Support International's helpline is available nationwide at 1-800-944-4773. I would also say to click around on their website, there's lots of great information and resources on there. 

Both PPSM and PSI will talk to you and put you in touch with professionals who UNDERSTAND what you're going through (many of them have personal experience). I personally contacted both of these organizations and made sure that the volunteers who are helping you find help understand OCD, scary thoughts, etc. I would never send people to find help where they would be misunderstood. My mission is to help women reach out. If you've been following along, you saw that both Lauren and I reached out for help and our children were never taken away. I understand the fear. If you have anxiety and OCD and you are living in fear, please let someone help you.

Once you find some options for help, I would recommend researching each therapist online so that you can pick one that you think would be the best "fit" for you. I  found my therapist because her story was relatable to mine and I felt like I had found someone who would "get it."

Some therapists will be able to refer you to a psychiatrist or primary care doctor that you can talk to about medication. Sometimes you are able to find ones who work together, which is super nice. I ended up getting medication from a psychiatrist because I never really had a developed relationship with my doctor, but if you have an awesome doctor that you trust, I'd say stick with them for medication. Psychiatry appointments can take a while to get, so you may even want to make an appointment with one, then get medicine to "hold you over" from a primary care doctor until you can be seen.  

I'm hoping this information is helpful. Once again, thank you everyone for taking the time to read about my story, my struggle and my thoughts. Please comment/message with any questions, etc. The goal here is support, which is the first step in self-care when you are struggling.

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LOVE!

Chels