Guest Post: Lauren's Story

It's been a great week, thank you everyone for all of your support! Please welcome my friend Lauren to the blog today! She's being so courageous sharing her story with all of us and I want to make sure she feels our support! Please "like", comment, and share, you guys know the drill! ; )

Hey everyone, I’m not a writer, just a mom who has survived Postpartum OCD and wants to help others!

I have always had anxiety and what I now know was what I call, ‘a touch of OCD’. I was first put on anxiety medicine when I was 18 and just chalked it up to nerves about going away to college. (Major life transitions often bring about or make anxiety worse.) I took myself off the meds and had to be put back on a few times. I would always start feeling better and think that I didn’t need them when I was having a good stretch.

My husband and I met at school. I am pretty sure I was off my medicine when I met him, but I was doing well. After we both finished school, we moved to his hometown so that he could pursue a job opportunity. I started having panic attacks and stomach problems. My doctor thought I needed to go back on my anxiety meds. I was so frustrated because I didn’t understand why I needed to take medicine to feel normal.

At some point in all this (this is probably going on 6 years ago now), I went to an overnight church retreat.  At that retreat, I had my first ever intrusive thought. I had a sacrilegious intrusive thought. I don’t even remember exactly what it was but I remember being scared out of my mind and not being able to go back to that church without having a panic attack. I literally switched churches to another one in our diocese. At the time, I didn’t know what an intrusive thought was, let alone that they are common symptoms for people with OCD (or that I had OCD!!!)

Eventually we moved back to my hometown, both started new jobs, and then I lost two grandparents. My maternal grandmother (who I was really close to) died in March and my paternal grandfather died in May. In between their deaths, we found out I was pregnant on April 5th. Needless to say, I was under a lot of stress and in a whirlwind of emotions from the move, new jobs, family losses, and now pregnancy!  It was kind of the perfect storm for someone with a history of anxiety.

We were thrilled about the pregnancy. We had been trying so having a baby was definitely something we were excited about. I weaned off my medicine, I mean duh, I’ve seen the scary commercials about what can happen to babies whose moms takes meds while they’re pregnant …no thank you.

Then, about half way through the pregnancy, I was not ok. I started having the intrusive thoughts again, sacrilegious thoughts and thoughts about wanting bad things happening to the people I loved (mainly my husband and the baby). I didn’t know what was going on. I thought I was losing my mind, going crazy, I needed to be locked up. I didn’t tell a soul. I was petrified. I started praying obsessively, compulsively. Then, I started having the intrusive thoughts while I was praying or at church. They were being triggered by religion, my religion that has always been SO important to me. I thought I was some kind of monster. I felt horrible for the thoughts I was having and what was triggering them.

Brian, my husband, started noticing something was off. I couldn’t focus or hold a conversation. I was extremely irritable. I had to repeat or restart my prayers. I was constantly praying. Praying was now my compulsion to fight the obsessive intrusive thoughts, but I had such a hard time praying because it triggered the intrusive thoughts. It was an endless cycle. This consumed me. There were days where I would get to work and I wouldn’t be to start work for an hour or two, just sitting there pretending to work while staring at my computer screen. I was good though at faking it though…faking that I was “ok”, “normal”. No one else knew. Only Brian, because I let him see little parts of it.

(Let me be clear here….this is a disease…it cannot be prayed, exercised, or meditated away….I had a chemical imbalance in my brain that need to be treated with medicine like diabetes is treated with insulin. Many people are often told to pray harder or exercise more or meditate then get worse when those things don’t make it go away or become triggering for them.)

When we went to breastfeeding class at the hospital, the Lactation Consultant mentioned a postpartum adjustment support group. She suggested that moms with a history or anxiety or depression should check out the group. On the way home that night, Brian said I should go to that support group. I said, “I’ll see how I do. If I’m not feeling better in a few weeks, I’ll go.” Not long after, excuse my French, but “shit hit the fan.” I got even worse. The intrusive thoughts were constant. I was literally obsessed. I could barely function. It was all I thought about. If I wasn’t having an intrusive thought, I was thinking about the ones I had had and when the next one would pop up. I would go to work, go to the chapel to pray, and then go to bed. I cried myself to sleep most nights. I tried exercising more to take my mind off of it, but my walks around town did nothing to help me mentally.

Finally, one day, I couldn’t take it anymore. I thought “maybe I’m bipolar.” I Googled what was going on in my head. That’s when I first saw the term intrusive thoughts and OCD. I felt so relieved, like “Ok this is a real thing, other people have this too, other people have gotten through this, I am not crazy, there is hope, I can get help, I can treat this.”

I called the Lactation Consultant and asked her about the support group. She gave me the contact info for her co-facilitator. I emailed her and she wrote back that she had OCD and that her OCD came with intrusive thoughts too.  Again, relief, a real person who has also been through this. She suggested I talk to my doctor about getting back on my medicine, get in to see a psychiatrist, start therapy and come to group.

My OB wrote me a script for the same medicine I had just weaned off, over the phone. They didn’t even make me come in to talk. I called my insurance company and got in with the first therapist they said was covered. She was not specialized in perinatal mood disorders. My one and only session with her actually triggered my anxiety even more and made me feel worse. I reached back out to the group leader, now in full panic mode. She gave me the number for her therapist. I called and couldn’t even talk to the receptionist without bawling. She put me on hold and got her right away. She asked me to come in the next day.

It was with them that I learned about what was going on with me….

See, everyone has intrusive (scary) thoughts, “normal” people barely notice them and just ignore them and carry on. For people with OCD, they stick. We obsess over them, they cause debilitating anxiety. The most common types if intrusive thoughts are violent, sexual and blasphemous/sacrilegious. It’s hard to put into words how I felt. OCD attacks what is most sacred to you. For me that is my faith and my loved ones so that’s what my intrusive thoughts were about.

Pregnancy and hormones worsened my anxiety and threw me into the dark scary world of OCD. I soon learned that was not alone, this is VERY common in pregnancy, but no one talks about it. There is so much stigma attached to mental health and women are afraid that if they reach out for help, their babies will be taken away from them.

They told me about the organization called Postpartum Progress. Their website put me in contact with thousands of women who had been through what I was going through. Their explanations and stories on the website were so helpful. I needed to know I wasn’t crazy, wasn’t alone, and would get better.

Through therapy, going to a psychiatrist, the support group, and trying a new medicine, I am much healthier. I still have hard days and now understand that I have always had a little OCD that was worsened while I was pregnant and may always be here, but I can live with it now and manage it.

In  May, I had our second baby. I was medicated through the whole pregnancy and had a much better experience. I am on an as needed basis with my therapist and still see my psychiatrist every three months to check in and make any medication adjustments.

I am so thankful for the other women, like Chelsea, who shared their stories. They helped pull me through the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.

Delicate Change's Future Plans

Hey Ya'all! I've tallied the numbers and chatted with the "big wigs" and it's been decided that Delicate Change is here to stay! Less than a week ago I decided to take a chance at blogging for real and in that time, my stories have been read over 4,000 times. That's 4,000 opportunities for people to hear my hard truth. 4,000 sets of eyes who now know it's okay to have "scary thoughts" and feel safe asking for help. I want my blog to be relatable. I want to share my story so that others don't have to struggle as hard or as long as I did. I will say again and again that I'm not a medical or mental health professional, but I'm someone who has a story to tell. My main goal is to encourage anyone struggling to reach out for help, don't be scared or try to get better alone!

When I think of what I want Delicate Change to become, the phrase "Safe Haven" comes to mind. Right now I'm posting some hard stories about my struggle with postpartum OCD, anxiety, and depression, and those stories need to be told. I want people who are currently struggling to know that they aren't alone and I also want to create a safe place for them to rediscover themselves. When I was in therapy, my therapist quite literally told me I needed to get a life. I needed to stop obsessing about my kids 24/7 and rediscover my own identity. At the time, I was like, "excuse me, we are having a crisis, I CANNOT think of anything else!" Well, turns out, she was right. I did need to get a life. I needed to find other passions

I was able to discover tons of things I enjoyed and was passionate about. I love refinishing furniture and decorating houses. I love reading books and hanging out with girlfriends. There are SO many things in life to be excited about, but in the middle of the struggle you can't see that. I want to inspire women to move forward. I want to force them to take their attention off of their problems and show them things in life to be excited about. I've been told that my anxiety skyrocketed after I had Easton because now I had 2 children to take care of. 2 children to protect from danger. 2 children to love unconditionally and I did NOT take that responsibility lightly. Of course being a parent is a huge responsibility and the greatest honor in the world, but you also need to remember who you were first.

Before my husband or my children, I was Chelsea. I was a sarcastic, fun-loving girl who was always looking for a good time. I had a hard time deciding what my "dream job" would be, but I knew for certain being a mom was going to be my greatest calling. The key to life is finding balance. I needed to learn how to balance the responsibility of motherhood, while still remembering to take care of me. That is what my blog is about. Sharing hard stories, demolishing stigmas, and learning how to take care of yourself. You will never be able to be the best mom, friend, wife, girlfriend, daughter, etc. if you do not make a time and a space to "recharge" and take care of you.

A word that has become very important to me in this past year is "gather." This is a sign that I had made by a local woman that hangs in my kitchen (message me if you would like her information, she was very affordable and this sign is amazing). I want women to "gather" together at my blog. To realize they aren't alone and to find hope. I want to be a place where creativity is embraced and women can learn it's okay to put themselves first sometimes.

I've decided that I will be posting new blogs every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Mondays and Wednesdays (for now) will be devoted to postpartum issues and stories. Fridays will be about crafts, recipes, self-care, etc. Saturdays and Sundays I will post on Facebook little "self-care" tips to relax moms throughout the weekend. I also have an amazing mom, Lauren VanDerveer, who is going to be contributing to the blog. We connected through Postpartum Progress over 2 years ago and we share the same vision of helping women through being open and honest about our struggles. I've also been in contact with the therapist who helped me through my struggle and she has some amazing ideas and connections that we will be putting on the blog.

Everyone who has read my blog thus far has seen my struggle. Today I want to share WHY helping other moms is so important to me. 2 years ago I had a "rock bottom" moment. I had gone to Duluth with my husband and the boys. My husband travels for work and I was scared to be at home alone, so sometimes we went with him. On our first morning there, I took my newly prescribed anxiety medication and dabbed lavender on my wrists. By 6:30 I had finished my Joyce Meyer devotional and was already having crushing anxiety. I could not escape the anxiety or ease "the thoughts." I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. With tears rolling down my face I (literally) said, "You are not going to hurt those boys. If you believe that is a possibility, leave this hotel room right now. Call your husband and tell him you've left and never look back. If you are still here at 7, you will fight this and overcome it." I stayed, of course I stayed, but this was when I vowed I wouldn't let the disease steal my life or my joy of being a mom. I also decided when I beat it, I needed to help others beat it too.

*Edit: I want to make it very clear that by this point I KNEW I had OCD and I was I the care of a mental health professional. My children were at no point in any danger, I just had a crippling fear of hurting them and the repetitiveness of OCD made me very scared. OCD thoughts are anxiety based and NOT dangerous. Mom's with OCD do not hurt their children, they take extreme measures to avoid that. Even knowing that does not make the disease easier, which is why medication AND therapy were the right choice for me to use to beat it.  : )

OCD sucks. Postpartum depression and anxiety suck. The lies of mental illness suck. But there's hope, I promise I've been to hell and back with this illness. Give it time, ask for help, and take care of yourself!

As always, thanks for reading! "Like", "Share", do ALL the things!!!

Chels

OCD 1 Minute Challenge (potentially triggering topics)

Happy Friday everyone! I would like to thank my loyal readers of 5 days for coming back for more, and as always, encourage "shares," comments, and "likes." I ended up posting about 4 more times than expected this week because of the overwhelming views. I thought, well as long as people are reading, I'm going to write, because this stuff NEEDS to be heard. Now that I feel like some of you are starting to grasp how scary postpartum OCD, depression, anxiety can be for some, I kind of want to give you a first hand idea of what it is like inside of the brain of people with OCD.

So, here on the blog today we're going to do an activity. And by activity I mean hell challenge. By now you've read about my struggle. I've said that I "couldn't stop the thoughts" or "the thoughts made me physically ill." These are all true, but for just 1 minute I want to challenge you to pretend to see what it was like being in my brain. I want to remind you, these were my thoughts, this was real for me and it is real for others. I'm challenging you to 1 minute, this was EVERY minute of my day and it was uncontrollable.

I've written out different thoughts or different ways new fears would surface. I quite literally challenge you to start a stop watch and time yourself reading through these phrases. Once you're done, reread those phrases. Let them sink in. Allow yourself to imagine this happening to you alone, uncontrollably, and about the person you love most in life.

*Goes to get the baby ready for bed, begins changing baby's diaper*

• "He's so beautiful and perfect"
• "Omg, I think he's beautiful, that means I think he's attractive"
• "Why am I attracted to him"
• "Does that mean I'd molest him"
• "Now I saw his privates"
• "Why did I look at those"
• "Did I look because I wanted to look"
•  "Does this mean I want to be a pedophile"
• "I don't want to wipe him because I don't want to accidently "touch" him"
• "If I wipe him now does it mean I WANT to "touch" him"
• "Do real pedophiles worry about touching children"

*Feverishly covers baby up and holds him tight*

• "I hate diaper changes, think something else, think something else"
• "He's so sweet and delicate in my arms"
• "Delicate like a bird"
• "One time I read a story about a kid who snapped a bird's neck"
• "What if I snapped his neck"
• "Why am I thinking about snapping his neck"
• "Do I want to snap his neck"
• "No"
• "Then why would I think it"
• "Don't think it again"
• "What if I snapped his neck"
• "You wouldn't"
• "Don't think it again"
• "What if I snapped his neck"
• "You wouldn't"
• "Don't think it again"

*Quickly puts baby in crib and goes to vomit, then lays on floor in a cold sweat*

• "Why do I want to hurt him, I had him on purpose"
• "What if this means I don't love him"
• "Why don't I love him, I wanted him so badly"
• "He deserves a mom who knows how to love him"
• "I wish he had a mom who wasn't so broken"
• "I'm going to close my eyes and try to relax"

*Closes eyes and sees:

• "Image of being a pedophile"
• "Image of baby's neck snapping"

*Opens eyes, visuals are worse*

• "I'm so glad he's safe now in his crib"
• "Maybe I should shut his door to make sure I stay out"
• "Maybe I should shut my door too"
• "I don't want to sleep walk and hurt him"
• "Who thinks these things"
• "I'm so awful"
• "I'm worse than parents who hit their kids"
• "I'm worse than parents who starve their kids"
• "I think these are the worst thoughts anyone has ever had"
• "I'm so scared"
• "I can't tell anyone"
• "Would I hurt him"
• "No"
• "Am I sure"
• "Yes"
• "Then why did I think it"

Did you get through all of the thoughts in 1 minute? Were you disturbed by them? Well my friends, welcome to the brain of a woman struggling with OCD and anxiety. For my sake I hope this helps you understand my pain and for your sake I hope you never experience it.

Please do this challenge and comment, either on my blog or on the fb page "Challenge Accepted." I'm trying to raise awareness and understanding. I'm also trying to help women feel supported. My friends ALWAYS tell me they saw me struggling, but couldn't understand what was going on. THIS was going on. Thank you for reading.

Chels 

Medication: A Personal Decision

Hey guys! You know what they say, another day another dollar! Kidding, I'm here for free. Though, it's hard to believe the sponsorships for my new and improved 3 day old blog haven't come rolling in yet...there's always next week. 😉 I again want to THANK everyone for reading! Because of all of your support, 2,000 of my closest friends know my deepest, darkest secrets...and I couldn't be happier! I've been in contact with the moms struggling who inspired me to keep writing, and the posts have brought them to tears. That is why I'm doing this. I used to Google OCD symptoms with tears streaming down my face, so relieved to have found an answer. I hadn't found a PERSON to connect with, but I had found a list of symptoms that described me to a "T" and that gave me the glimmer of hope I needed to keep going and keep fighting. Once you are able to see through the fear and recognize the problem, you will feel safe reaching out and getting help.

Please note: I LOVE the views, I APPRECIATE the shares, and I'm asking from the bottom of my heart for you to keep reading and keep sharing. Please, please "follow" my blog, "like" Delicate Change on Facebook. Please also comment or personal message me, if you have something to say about past or present struggles, this forum is a safe place for you! Help me get the message out. Admittedly, I've been stalking every possible "parenting" outlet on social media for the past few days trying to see if they'd be interested in doing a story about postpartum mental illness. I think a BIG problem is simply the wording here. Women may hear about postpartum depression and not know its them, because they aren't depressed. They're scared shitless, but not depressed. About a year ago, Hayden Panettiere was on Live! With Kelly talking about postpartum depression, I was so excited to hear someone like her talking about it, but then she said "I didn't have thoughts about hurting the baby or anything." And just like that, I was disappointed. NOT disappointed that her struggle was different, disappointed that I again felt like I had the BAD kind of mental illness. Like somehow on the postpartum mental illness totem pole I was at the bottom because I had "those" thoughts. So here I am, the black sheep of postpartum depression and I had those thoughts. I'm not trying to split hairs here, but they were really anxious thoughts, brought on by fear, anxiety, and the overwhelming need to protect, but whatever...

Moving on, I've got some big plans in the works! And by that I mean like 2 ideas I had during naptime yesterday (I wonder if some people plan out blogs before they go live). I'm gonna pull in some of the girls I've gotten to know over the years and have them share their struggles too. What's better than finding a blog about 1 lady who had postpartum OCD? Finding MANY moms who struggled hard and different. So, we're gonna try to work some stuff out and really reach as many women as possible.

As you all know by now, pictures make blogs better, so here's my favorite "throwback Thursday" picture of when my oldest son, Brayden, found out my third baby was going to be a girl. This picture has literally nothing to do with my message today, but it's SOO funny!

Now, down to business, I know you are all dying to know how I feel about medication so here it is! Again, these are my personal opinions and experiences. I have no professional training unless a Cosmetology License, Communications Degree, and almost two solid years of therapy count. I won't name specifics (feel free to message me if you want to know, I get it) because everyone is different so what works for me wont work for you necessarily. I will however share WHAT each particular medicine I took/take does for a point of reference (and in case you see a psychiatrist and want to mention trying something different.)

Alright, so obviously I DO take medication, and I went through some of that experience in my "Getting Help" post, but now I'll start from the beginning as far as medicine goes. I DIDN'T want to take medication. Until that point in my life, no one I knew had ever mentioned taking anxiety or depression medication. On top of that, I was breastfeeding. I thought, nah, I'll get through this naturally. Guys, I chugged gallons of water, lathered myself in essential oils, journaled, read the Bible, prayed (begged God for help), took melatonin, repeated positive mantras, watched/listened to pastors...the list goes on and on. I was in panic mode and literally tried EVERYTHING I could think of to get my mind to relax. I just couldn't do it. By this time, I had already worked myself up so much by convincing myself there was a problem and that I was the problem, that my mind would not simply "relax." After all, my children were in constant danger as long as I was near them, so around them I NEEDED to have crippling anxiety in order to make sure I kept my guard up and kept them safe.

I finally reached out and got a  low dose of a common depression medication. Now, it can be difficult to begin medications and I'm pretty sure they don't go into full effect for 6 weeks. By my second day of taking this medicine, I was in SHAMBLES. We had gone to the Mall of America with the kids that day and my anxiety was worse than ever. I wouldn't even eat at my favorite restaurant. When we got home, I went into my bathroom and had a full blown panic attack. Now, this has never happened to me before or since, but I honestly felt like I was going to die. I was crying on my bathroom floor, convinced no one else in the world had ever cried so hard or felt so low. I was honestly at a loss of what to do. I felt like I was in an impossible situation with no solution. My neighbors set up an outdoor movie for our kids that night, I stayed out until about 5 minutes past the previews then couldn't handle anymore social interaction. I then went  home to enjoy another night of hell-like insomnia.

I'm not sure if I took the pill again on Sunday. It was like choosing between bad and worse. What I do know though is that my husband had to leave town for work that night. I BEGGED him not to leave me. I cried and cried, asking him to stay. What kind of woman would beg the family's only breadwinner to never leave her alone with the children, you ask? A desperate one. The reason I really wanted him to stay was because I wanted to run to a hospital and stay there until I had some relief, but he had to go to work and I had to parent, so I did.

By Monday I had stopped the meds and was told my OB would no longer help me with this problem, so I spent some more time struggling (a week?) until I could not take it anymore. I actually did end up getting a small dose of a different depression medication from a family practice doctor a few days before my interview with the Mother Baby Program.

Now, let's talk The Mother Baby Program. It was a 3 week long outpatient program that me and Easton went to 4 days a week. I was VERY reluctant to do this program. I don't even remember why. I think it was a cross between "looking bad" and not having faith that it would work for me. Luckily, I had great neighbors (turned some of my best friends) who put their foot down and told me I NEEDED to go. They were right. I got offers to help with Brayden and was able to attend the program with my husband still able to work out of town.

At my first meeting with my psychiatrist, she upped the dose of the depression meds I was on. Over the course of the next 3 weeks she continued to increase it until we felt I was stabilizing. About 3 days into the program when I told them the intrusive thoughts were still overwhelming, they prescribed an additional "bump" medication that helped get rid of the thoughts more quickly while the depression medication had time to work into my system. During this time I was also given a third medication for "sudden panic." I finished the program and guess what, by the end my personality was coming back and my therapists agreed that I was indeed funny. 😄

It's important for me to add a couple extra things about the medication. I probably went through about 6 months of feeling "numb" emotionally, but that did eventually wear off. It also took time to retrain my brain to not NEED the thoughts. I had become so used to them I felt like I had to have them to keep my kids safe. Once the medication started making them go away and I was less affected by them, I got kind of upset because I thought that meant the thoughts didn't bother me anymore and if they didn't bother me anymore I must "agree" with them or think they're "good" now. I would take both of those adjustments over the hell of anxiety though. My only other "side effect" was about a 30 pound weight gain. Now I'm not sure if I gained the weight because I actually had an appetite again, like a normal person, or if the medicine actually does something that causes the body to gain weight.

I'm explaining my medication journey because, like everything else I went through that year, it was HARD. I went from not ever wanting medication to being on 3 different ones at once. Not everyone needs medication. Not everyone wants medication. But for me, I had no other choice. I'm not sure if you CAN actually die from anxiety, but I really felt like that was a definite possibility at the time. I don't regret the medication, I'm kind of bummed out I didn't find relief sooner. And, as long as we're all being honest here, I'm STILL on medication. I had my depression/anxiety medication switched when I decided I wanted to become pregnant again, but stayed on throughout pregnancy until now. I also have pills for sudden anxiety. A lot of people wean off medication at some point, but with an extensive family history of anxiety on both sides of my family (that I had no prior knowledge of) I think I'm going to stick with it for a while.

Once again, thanks for reading! Share my story, learn from my lessons! Feel free to comment, just so I'm not talkin to myself ; )

Chels

Not Your Momma's OCD (potentially triggering topics)

Okay okay, so it IS your momma's OCD, but it's not necessarily the type that you automatically think of when you hear the term. I'm admittedly under the weather, so I'm working from home today (jk, I'm a SAHM...I never leave my house). Anyways, I wasn't going to post today because I'm working on a medication piece and have strep throat, but with over 600 views on my post yesterday, I want to keep the momentum going in case anyone reading knows someone who is suffering from the fear of their own thoughts.

First, the steps I took toward beginning a blog were:
1. Create blog with no idea what you're doing, but you just lived through hell on earth and you must help others.
2. Post while still struggling, but eventually stop because you aren't sure if anyone's reading.
3. Completely heal and have another baby.
4. Realize you are still getting contacted regularly by women searching for help even though you haven't touched you blog in a year.
5. Do the blog, and do it ALL the way. (Also, try to learn how to actually do a blog.)

I'm pretty sure blogs are 99% more popular if they have pictures, so here's a picture with me and the boys : )...I wanted to jump out of my skin here and run away in case you were wondering.

So here I am, doing the blog. Now, unless my dad visited this page over 600 times yesterday (hey Pat Suiter, love you!) there's a lot of you who are reading that don't know me personally. I want to tell you a little bit about my background and then get down to the dirty truth of OCD. I'm a regular Midwestern girl from a Christian home. We were always middle class growing up. I went to church weekly and went to private school. At no point in my life was I ever abused in any way (sexually, verbally, physically, etc). I'm not violent, don't have a "hot" temper, and definitely have never hurt anyone or been in a fight. I've always believed in being totally honest, I'm a HORRIBLE liar, and try to never break rules because I'm such a fierce believe in karma. I'm writing this small synopsis of some of my characteristics to illustrate the fact that mental illness can affect ANYONE. Intrusive thoughts or "bad" thoughts happen to everyone.

Now, back to the topic of the hour, OCD. We all hear it everyday, someone likes to have their house clean so they say that have OCD. I WISH that was all it was or could be. There are types of OCD where people have rituals and do need to obsessively clean, and I'm not downplaying their pain. I experienced OCD differently though. My OCD began with anxiety. I was overly anxious about my children's safety. At one point, my brain began to see danger everywhere. When I had my first intrusive thought about smothering Easton, my anxiety shot THROUGH THE ROOF. Now, I don't know any other way to describe it than that I could FEEL the thought. It was that strong. In my mind, I didn't know what that feeling meant. I became scared because I thought that feeling was an urge, meaning I WANTED to hurt Easton. Now I know that it meant the exact opposite, my body had gone into "fight or flight" mode because it misinterpreted the thought as being harmful to Easton, so it raised my anxiety more and more.

Here I am, I had "the thought"...so I should just be able to let it go, right? NOPE. My mind had to find a reason for having such a thought. I had to obsess over the thought. Why did I have it? Am I capable of hurting him? Does this mean I don't love him? Seriously, the horror was unbearable. Once I began to question his safety around me, I started to see danger in almost every object or situation I was in with him. I was so scared to even hold him because he was "safer" when he was away from me. I'm about to get real REAL with you all. I don't like sharing this with people, because honestly it's hard. That is why I need to share it. Women are feverishly Googling symptoms right now because they believe they are going mad from their thoughts. They are scared. I need to write these things down so that they recognize their symptoms and reach out for help. It's a mental illness, its powered by anxiety and fear stemming from the need to PROTECT your children, and its treatable.

Here is a comprehensive list of the items I hated/would avoid if my baby was anywhere near me:

• Knives
• Scissors
• Sharp objects
• Dull objects
• Pillows
• Blankets
• Plastic bags
• Cords
• Rope
• Changing diapers
• Seeing my kids without clothes on
• Baths
• Pools
• Lakes
• Being alone together

I also wouldn't watch the news or any channel other than Hallmark and HGTV. I didn't read articles or books. My list of fears would grow greater by the day because of outside influences or things I heard. I would constantly scour lists of OCD obsessions, but if I happened to have a fear that wasn't on the list I would freak out because maybe THAT fear was actually dangerous and not a symptom of the disease. Maybe THAT fear was legitimate.

By now I know what you're thinking: THAT girl is a mess! Well, I was. I was a scared, depressed, hopeless mess. OCD happened to me. An illness happened to me. I didn't ask for it, I wasn't expecting it, but it came. I also made it through. I'm a better person today than I was 2 years ago. I feel like OCD has given me a mission. I began this blog because I was still struggling and I wanted other women to know they weren't alone, now I've conquered it and have the strength to be the hope to others that I so desperately needed during that time.

Ps, me and Easton are super tight now. I lay in his bed with him every night before bed (blankets and pillows included).

Thanks for reading and please share!

Chels

Getting Help: My Journey

Hey guys, me again! After taking the huge leap of faith by beginning to post again yesterday, I'm really feeling the support! One of the reasons I didn't know if I should keep writing was I didn't know if anyone was reading, but with over 200 people reading my article yesterday, I know you're out there, so I'm just gonna keep typing away! Please, please "follow" me, spread the word, share my story, reach out to your friends or family who might be struggling, leave a comment, message me, do ALL the things. Even if a story doesn't completely mirror mine, there are always relatable aspects.

My original plan for today was to post about my experience with medication, but after thinking about it more, I decided to post about reaching out for help, because that is the first step. Now, unless you are a huge fan of my writing (hey dad) or a supportive personal friend, you are most likely visiting this page because you need help. Good help is hard to come by, especially if you are living in fear. So I'm going to share with you my journey of finding help.

                                    (Family picture taken 1-2 weeks after everything started)

 

My first "intrusive thought" happened when Easton was 3 weeks old. By the time my 6 week postpartum appointment came, I had a lot of anxiety, but was too scared to reveal the specifics. I played off my anxiety to my OB out of fear and said I'd call her if I changed my mind. After another week of hell, I called her back and asked to be put on anti-anxiety meds. I got my prescription filled and crossed my fingers. Unfortunately, the medication I started with made me worse (panic attacks, etc). While on this medicine I was 1 minute away from checking myself into a hospital because of the overwhelming anxiety. I again called my OB in hopes of trying a different medication, at this point I was told I was no longer a patient under their care (since the baby was already born and the 6 week check was over) and I should contact a family practice doctor. HUGE blow.

I decided that I would again try to beat this without medication, but still searched for help. When I took Easton in for his 2 month appointment, I mentioned to our pediatrician that I was having a lot of anxiety and was very worried about safety. Now, let me first say that I LOVE our pediatrician, she has been with us for 6 years and still sees my children to this day. On this day, however, when I said I had anxiety, she said "not about the baby, right?"...instant red flag. Now I felt like I didn't have a doctor to trust AND I couldn't trust my pediatrician.

By this point, I felt alone in the world. I made sure to do extensive research before reaching out to anyone else. I ended up Googling "OCD Specialists MN" and found a therapist who had been through Postpartum OCD. I e-mailed her telling her that I thought I had developed OCD and would like to meet her. The first time I met with her, I could barely speak the most mild version of my fears to her. I barely could blurt out "I thought, what if I put a blanket over his head" before collapsing in tears while clutching my newborn. I thought for sure she was going to call child services. She didn't.

I kept going to therapy weekly, spending the majority of my hour crying while rocking Easton. I would write down all of my fears throughout the week to make sure I didn't forget to tell her any potentially harmful thought. Eventually, it became clear I needed more help. I ended up contacting The Mother Baby Program at HCMC in Minneapolis, MN.

I'll never forget sitting in the office for my first interview with my 2 kids, barely able to speak through my tears and depression, begging for help. By this time, I wouldn't sleep at home alone with my children and I also feared becoming a pedophile. I was given a prescription for a new medication and told I could start the program the next week. Through a tear streaked face, I asked them if they were worried about me. The psychiatrist's response is forever burned into my memory  "you're worried enough about yourself for all of us." I remember telling them that in real life I'm actually super funny, then I packed up my kids and my prescription and headed home.

The Mother Baby Program was a game changer for me. I had intense group and individual therapy and was also able to get stabilized on the proper medications. The only reason I'm sharing this struggle is because I GET how scary finding help can be. It took me a month to even tell my husband about my first "scary thought." I feel like it is important to share my struggle to spread awareness. I was in contact with medical doctors who didn't get it. I was falling through the cracks in plain sight. The fact that my biggest fear was being dangerous to my children was compounded by the fact that IF I told they could potentially be taken away from me, and that was unbearable. I want mothers AND medical professionals to learn more about postpartum mental illness. Mental illness has a stigma. Scary thoughts have a stigma. The problem is, anxiety driven scary thoughts are not dangerous and the person who thinks them are in more pain than you could imagine.

I want to reiterate. I'm NOT a mental health professional. I'm a mom who had scary thoughts and anxiety and got help. One thing that made me so scared was websites that said "if you have a scary thought, get help immediately!" This made me feel like I was abnormal and potentially dangerous. If you have scary thoughts and anxiety, you do need to get help. Not because you are abnormal, but because you don't need to suffer. The anxiety is making you super protective and causing your brain to malfunction.

The point of this post is that if you sense anything is wrong, get help. I recommend contacting a psychiatrist (if you want to take medication) because they truly understand mental illness. Medical doctors are also great since psychiatrists can have a long wait time. A great website for finding help in your state (and for information in general) is Postpartum Progress. In my case, I also just used Google to find people who could help me. I typed in "OCD Specialists MN" and combed through the profiles of thrapists until I felt I had found someone I could trust. Spreading the word and opening up in an honest way is so important to helping people stop living in fear and silence. Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave a question/comment or message me on Facebook (and "like" Delicate Change on fb)!

Chels

Time: A Sufferer's Greatest Enemy

Happy New Year ya'all! SO, I began this blog a couple of years ago when I was in the midst of Postpartum OCD. I've never had a blog and didn't (still don't) know how to have a great one, but my new resolution is to try! I'm starting my blog back up again because I still get lots of messages from women in the midst of the struggle who need someone to relate to and talk to. I'm NOT a professional, I'm just a mom who had a problem and got help when it was HARD.

I have a few topics off the top of my head I'm going to be writing about in the following weeks. These ideas come from the women who message me for advice. I'm going to give my perspective and experience on these topics. Some things I'm going to write about are: time and how long I struggled, medication and why it was the right choice for me, and coming to terms with the "why me" question.

I realize this blog isn't going to be for everyone. I still want to sprinkle in humor, craft projects, and my thoughts on family, but my main goal is to let women know they aren't alone. When I was in the midst of my OCD, I spent HOURS looking for people like me. I messaged old forums, Facebooked strangers, e-mailed professionals, I did WHATEVER it took to find someone who could help me. I want to be that resource for others. Right now I have the privilege of being able to stay at home with my children, I want to be able to spend time with them and begin helping others too. For me, if 1 woman reaches out to me a year because they are desperate for help, it's going to be worth it.

So, if you don't know me personally, quick update. I finished redecorating my old house and immediately decided we should move. I also made this decision at 6 months pregnant with my third baby (weird, my husband says I'm never allowed to be pregnant again). So we have a new baby and a new house and things are GREAT! I've stayed on medication throughout pregnancy and postpartum (Ella is 4 months) and I've also kept my eyes peeled for symptoms. The amazing news is, this is nothing like last time. I've had approximately 4 days of crying before reaching out and have been fine ever since. There IS hope for more babies after postpartum struggles!

Every woman who struggles with postpartum depression (anxiety, OCD, etc) has one overwhelming question: how long will I be like this!? As someone whose thoughts were  coming 24/7, I can say with complete honesty that every second of my day felt like an eternity. I'm not joking. I felt like I was "white-knuckling" my way through life. A thought would pop into my head, I'd have to disagree with it, another one would come, I'd throw up because the thought made me so upset...and on and on. It was so constant that I really questioned myself and my morality. I was convinced that something terrible was happening and the professionals whose care I was in really didn't understand what a mess I was in. This is also when the depression crept in. Once my anxiety had convinced me that I was a danger to my children, I had no joy. I would just hopelessly cry on my couch, waiting for myself to go crazy and ruin everything.

The GOOD news is that if you think you're crazy and FEEL crazy, you aren't! The anxiety is your body's reaction to thinking things that are morally the opposite of who you truly are. Unfortunately, knowing that doesn't make the disease disappear. It just makes it (slightly) easier to trudge through. I "faked" my way through life for months. I played and laughed with my children when I only felt emptiness inside. I cried to my therapist endlessly because I felt guilty that my children trusted me and loved me so whole-heartedly. I didn't deserve their love. Or trust. I was a horrible mother thinking horrible things and I literally could not stop.

So, you ask, how long until this goes away...the bad news is that it totally depends (worst answer in America, I know). I was pretty resistant to treatment, meaning that I was so scared of the thoughts. I had a hard time letting them go because I felt that if I did, something bad would happen. I struggled HARD for about 4 months. Once my son turned 1 I still was having some trouble, but nothing like before. I got pretty upset at the 1 year mark though. I thought, how in the world is this still happening to me!? Why am I still crying about this? The key is to keep doing the things you know are right and don't focus on how much (or how little) progress you are making. Take the medication, practice yoga, talk to your family, ask for help, see a therapist...do ALL the things.

Struggling doesn't make you a bad mom. Getting help makes you a GREAT mom! It doesn't feel like it right now, I get it. Having postpartum depression is the ultimate HARDEST thing I have ever gone through. I feel so strongly about demolishing any stigma associated with it and helping women as much as I can. I'm still on medicine and went to weekly therapy for a year and a half (as well as a 3 week outpatient program). There is hope, my favorite quote about OCD was written by a woman named Lauren Hale on the Postpartum Progress website. She basically said that it is so hard trudging through OCD, you feel like you're stuck in the mud. But she promised there was a nice warm bed at the end of the road, I held on to that promise throughout my struggles. There IS a warm bed, free of depression, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts at the end of the road, don't give up!

Chels