Friday, January 6, 2017

OCD 1 Minute Challenge (potentially triggering topics)

Happy Friday everyone! I would like to thank my loyal readers of 5 days for coming back for more, and as always, encourage "shares," comments, and "likes." I ended up posting about 4 more times than expected this week because of the overwhelming views. I thought, well as long as people are reading, I'm going to write, because this stuff NEEDS to be heard. Now that I feel like some of you are starting to grasp how scary postpartum OCD, depression, anxiety can be for some, I kind of want to give you a first hand idea of what it is like inside of the brain of people with OCD.

So, here on the blog today we're going to do an activity. And by activity I mean hell challenge. By now you've read about my struggle. I've said that I "couldn't stop the thoughts" or "the thoughts made me physically ill." These are all true, but for just 1 minute I want to challenge you to pretend to see what it was like being in my brain. I want to remind you, these were my thoughts, this was real for me and it is real for others. I'm challenging you to 1 minute, this was EVERY minute of my day and it was uncontrollable.

I've written out different thoughts or different ways new fears would surface. I quite literally challenge you to start a stop watch and time yourself reading through these phrases. Once you're done, reread those phrases. Let them sink in. Allow yourself to imagine this happening to you alone, uncontrollably, and about the person you love most in life.

*Goes to get the baby ready for bed, begins changing baby's diaper*
  • "He's so beautiful and perfect"
  • "Omg, I think he's beautiful, that means I think he's attractive"
  • "Why am I attracted to him"
  • "Does that mean I'd molest him"
  • "Now I saw his privates"
  • "Why did I look at those"
  • "Did I look because I wanted to look"
  •  "Does this mean I want to be a pedophile"
  • "I don't want to wipe him because I don't want to accidently "touch" him"
  • "If I wipe him now does it mean I WANT to "touch" him"
  • "Do real pedophiles worry about touching children"
*Feverishly covers baby up and holds him tight*
  • "I hate diaper changes, think something else, think something else"
  • "He's so sweet and delicate in my arms"
  • "Delicate like a bird"
  • "One time I read a story about a kid who snapped a bird's neck"
  • "What if I snapped his neck"
  • "Why am I thinking about snapping his neck"
  • "Do I want to snap his neck"
  • "No"
  • "Then why would I think it"
  • "Don't think it again"
  • "What if I snapped his neck"
  • "You wouldn't"
  • "Don't think it again"
  • "What if I snapped his neck"
  • "You wouldn't"
  • "Don't think it again"
*Quickly puts baby in crib and goes to vomit, then lays on floor in a cold sweat*
  • "Why do I want to hurt him, I had him on purpose"
  • "What if this means I don't love him"
  • "Why don't I love him, I wanted him so badly"
  • "He deserves a mom who knows how to love him"
  • "I wish he had a mom who wasn't so broken"
  • "I'm going to close my eyes and try to relax"
*Closes eyes and sees:
  • "Image of being a pedophile"
  • "Image of baby's neck snapping"
*Opens eyes, visuals are worse*
  • "I'm so glad he's safe now in his crib"
  • "Maybe I should shut his door to make sure I stay out"
  • "Maybe I should shut my door too"
  • "I don't want to sleep walk and hurt him"
  • "Who thinks these things"
  • "I'm so awful"
  • "I'm worse than parents who hit their kids"
  • "I'm worse than parents who starve their kids"
  • "I think these are the worst thoughts anyone has ever had"
  • "I'm so scared"
  • "I can't tell anyone"
  • "Would I hurt him"
  • "No"
  • "Am I sure"
  • "Yes"
  • "Then why did I think it"
Did you get through all of the thoughts in 1 minute? Were you disturbed by them? Well my friends, welcome to the brain of a woman struggling with OCD and anxiety. For my sake I hope this helps you understand my pain and for your sake I hope you never experience it.

Please do this challenge and comment, either on my blog or on the fb page "Challenge Accepted." I'm trying to raise awareness and understanding. I'm also trying to help women feel supported. My friends ALWAYS tell me they saw me struggling, but couldn't understand what was going on. THIS was going on. Thank you for reading.

Chels 



6 comments:

  1. You just wrote my story. Thank you. Not sure people can ever fully get it.... But this will help them get a sense for how it feels to live with this.

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    1. Hope this and the other posts I've done and will continue to do are encouraging to you! Hopefully you've been able to reach out for help, if not let me know : )

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    2. This is the most real thing I have ever read. I KNOW I would never hurt my child but I've had these "scary" thoughts. Getting help seems impossible because I'm afraid someone would misunderstand and take my child away instead of helping me, us. Glad I'm not alone.

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    3. Postpartum Support International can help you! Postpartum Support Internationals helpline for those outside of MN 1-800-944-4773. PSI also has a statewide map where people can find coordinators in their state who will help them find resources. Read therapists profiles, find an OCD specialist, reach out! I get how scary it is, I promise it will be okay! (Get help not because you are dangerous, get help because you DESERVE to be well : )

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  3. Wow. I am currently in treatment for the exact same thing..same thoughts..I thought I was going crazy. It is so heartbreaking because it robs you of the joy of being a mom. I too am much better now. Thank you for sharing.

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